


don't want to screw this up

by orphan_account



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Fake AH Crew, M/M, Thats all there is to it, they really just need to talk about their feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-28 18:26:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21141194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jeremy doesn't want to admit that he might more than just like the Vagabond, so he'll hold those feelings inside behind a dam for as long as possible. This is all well and good, until one night when the dam breaks.





	don't want to screw this up

Jeremy couldn’t put it into words, why he felt so drawn to the Vagabond. Part of him wanted to say that it was solely due to him being so mysterious, always hidden by the infamous skull mask that struck fear into everyone outside of the Fakes. Another part of him- the part he never wanted to listen to, that he would much prefer to pretend didn’t exist- had its own thoughts on why. He didn’t care to think about that, feeling more afraid of what that would mean than he had ever been of the Vagabond.

He ignored the ‘why’, and just let himself enjoy the company of his crew member. He ignored the feeling that his stomach got whenever he made Ryan laugh, the increase of heart rate that came with every conversation, the way he was able to open up to him unlike anyone else, the happiness that was followed by the sadness of what could never be. He would push all of that away, and only focus on his favorite parts: the parts that weren’t confusing, the ones that just made sense, no matter how he looked at it. Luckily for Jeremy, those parts were the most common ones. Unluckily for him, ignoring the rest only made it stronger with time, and what he ignored would begin to bleed into daily activities, no matter what he tried to do to avoid it.

By ignoring it, Jeremy had built a dam. The dam was protecting him, he thought. It held back the feelings that terrified him and kept him awake at night, holding them safely so he didn’t have to deal with them. The thing with the dam was, just because it was holding it all back, didn’t mean it was getting rid of anything. It was only building up more, and what it was holding back was growing stronger. His concerns of the emotional dam breaking were shoved behind the dam too.

When the dam threatened to weaken, Jeremy found himself in the penthouse kitchen. The penthouse kitchen was one of Jeremy’s favorite rooms, and he found himself visiting it on most of his sleepless nights. It was where he would go for hours on end to distract himself from whatever was keeping him awake, be it nightmares or the loud snoring from the rest of the crew. Despite it being a kitchen, he would rarely use the space to eat, only using it as an area to sit and think in a peaceful quiet that he couldn’t find anywhere else. Maybe it was the fact that it was the most consistent room in the penthouse that made it so comforting; everything had a place it was supposed to be, and where it was supposed to be is where it always was. Or maybe it was the soft glow of the city lights that came through the windows that illuminated the room, with the light dancing across the walls like flames, that made it feel warmer. Whatever it was, Jeremy was there now.

“Jeremy? You okay?” The voice of the Vagabond startled Jeremy enough to make him fully jump out of his chair.

“Jesus Ryan, you scared the crap outta me. You gotta stop sneaking up on me like that.” He pretended his heart was beating so fast because he just got scared, not because of how Ryan was looking at him so concerned, like he was on the verge of death.

“Sorry, you were just staring at that bowl of fruit like it was insulting you, I wanted to make sure you were alright. And that the fruit hadn’t gone bad.”

That got Jeremy to laugh. Now that he thought about it, he wasn’t sure why he was sitting in the kitchen rather than sleeping. No one was snoring obnoxiously loud, and he hadn’t even had the chance to have a nightmare yet because he hadn’t tried to get a blink of sleep. He looked around the room for any possible explanation. Before he could find his reason, Ryan broke the silence. Jeremy felt a large crack in the emotional dam beginning to form.

“I– Jeremy, we’re battle buddies, right?”

“Of course,” He assured him as Ryan sat down. “Why? Is everything ok?”

“Everything’s fine with me. I’m worried about you,” He shifted in his chair, then placed a hand on Jeremy’s shoulder. The second contact was made, Jeremy’s heart skipped a beat. Keep it together, he told himself, don’t let the dam break. Not here, not now. “You’ve been kinda off recently, really distant. You know you can tell me if anything’s been bugging you? That’s one of the battle buddies rules, isn’t it?”

“There are rules?” Jeremy hoped that Ryan wouldn’t notice that he was avoiding the question, or at least stalling for time to think of a better explanation as to why he’d been more distant recently. There was no way he could admit what he thought he might be feeling for Ryan, especially not to Ryan.

“Seems like there should be. I’m sure we’ve mentioned them at some point, that’s why you and I are battle buddies. We’re the only ones that know the rules, so we’re the only ones that can follow them.”

“Naturally.” They both shared a small laugh.

“You’re going to be not avoiding the question, by the way. I wanna help you with whatever’s wrong, no matter what it is.”

Fuck.

“What if I don’t want your help?” Jeremy said, more aggressively than he meant to. Honestly, he didn’t mean to say it at all. He knew he really fucked up when Ryan removed his hand. Jeremy felt a lot colder all of the sudden.

“What?” Ryan said in disbelief. Jeremy’s outburst took them both by surprise.

Despite not meaning to say those words, Jeremy didn’t back down. It seemed easier to push Ryan away like this, than let the emotional dam break any more than it already had.

“What- what if I don’t want your help? I don’t always– I can handle things on my own sometimes.” Fuck, what was he saying? Ryan was just trying to help him, why was he being such an asshole?

Ryan didn’t need to say anything to respond. The confused and hurt expression on his face said more than words ever could have. Jeremy was already drowning in regret.

“Fine.” Ryan whispered, and started to walk away. 

“I- I don’t– I didn’t mean-” Why would he say that?! Ryan was walking away- he was leaving! Oh god, Jeremy fucked up. He always pushed people away because he was afraid of getting hurt, but now he’d pushed too far and was about to lose one of his best friends. Fuck it if he was in love with him, that didn’t matter. What mattered most was his and Ryan’s friendship! How could he have– he needed to do something, anything, to stop Ryan. “Ryan wait!” He paused, but didn’t turn around. Jeremy’s heart ached, and the emotional dam formed a new lightning bolt shaped crack. “I’m sorry, so fucking sorry. I didn’t mean that, I-I haven’t been as close to anyone as I am with you before and- and I don’t know what to do. I was scared and I didn’t- I don’t- I don’t wanna screw this up, please don’t leave.”

Ryan turned around. Jeremy froze under his stare. 

“Did I do something wrong? Am I doing something wrong?”

“Ryan, no–” his voice sounded so small, almost like a wounded baby animal.

“Do you not trust me? Not think I’d care? Think I’d leave you?”

“No, Ryan, of course not–”

“Then why won’t you just talk to me?!”

The dam shattered.

Everything was coming up and happening so fast, it was so overwhelming and Jeremy barely knew what was happening, he was barely in control of his own voice, he wasn’t thinking about what he was saying he just knew that everything he had held in for months was set free, rushing out impossibly fast, exploding.

“Because I like you, okay?! That’s what fucking wrong! I fucking like you and I know that I shouldn’t, but I do! I’m fucking terrified each time that I talk with you alone that I’ll mess up and let everything out! And now I’m standing here in the kitchen, screaming my feelings to you like a fucking middle schooler, and I know that I’m fucking up but I can’t stop and I–”

Ryan’s lips stole all of the breath left in his lungs. They were soft and cold and tasted like diet coke. Jeremy didn’t expect anything else. He was processing each part slowly and individually. The strong hands left his head up, the scruff rubbing against his beard, all of it. He might be in actual shock right now. Ryan pulled away, but kept his hands holding Jeremy’s face.

“I like you too,” He breathed more than said. Jeremy couldn’t blame him, he was also breathing like he had just run a 5k. “But next time let’s just talk about our feelings rather than ignoring them and then screaming them at midnight. Okay?”

“I’d like that.” Jeremy rested his head on Ryan’s chest. When did he get so exhausted?

“We need to keep talking, but can we go to bed first? I’m like, about to pass out right now.” Ryan practically read his mind.

“God, yes please.”

The two of them walked down the hallway together, pausing at Jeremy’s door to say their farewells for the night, as if they didn’t live in the same penthouse, just different rooms. Still, it was further away than either wanted right then.

“I’ll see you in the morning?”

“You will.” Ryan placed another quick kiss to Jeremy’s forehead. He certainly wouldn’t hate getting used to that.

**Author's Note:**

> someone please explain to me how to bold and italicize things in ao3, i am old and confused


End file.
